Birthdays

So this past Wednesday was my birthday and I’m now closer to 40 than 35. Most of the time, adding a number doesn’t mean much to me except that I know things won’t be as easy as I get even older. I will say that I will take getting older to the alternative which is…well you probably can figure that one out! lol

But I find myself reflecting on my life when my birthday rolls around. I try to take the time to figure out where I am, where I thought I would be, where I’m headed and where I would like to be headed. I do this more on my birthday than even New Year’s. Sometimes, the results aren’t pretty. Other times, they are surprising. Many years, I simply adjust course and keep going. Some birthdays have definitely been more memorable than others of course, be it mentally or emotionally. I’ll just touch on a couple and not recount my entire life for you.

I remember turning 16 and being the oldest child, used to sharing and coming from a family with not much money, I certainly didn’t expect my parents to buy or give me a car. In fact, my parents told me that when I got my license and started driving, I would be expected to drive my sisters around where they needed to go, and I had to pay for my part of the insurance. Hence, I had to get a job. So I started working at the local big retail store that has since gotten too big for its own good, in my opinion. My mother dropped me off a couple of times before my grandfather gave me my first car: his old ’87 Fleetwood Cadillac. He had gotten a new one and I drove that boat around all over the place. If you wanna get good at parking, learn on a car that big! lol

The year I turned 20 was also the year I got married and that has it’s own regrets and lessons learned. I had heard and sort of knew that was very young to get married but I thought I was so mature. Little did I realize that I hadn’t had time to really get to know myself before chaining myself to a man who was definitely not worthy of my affection and caring.

When I turned 25, I had a few minutes of panic as I thought about my decision not to have children. There are medical issues that run in my family that usually present themselves after having kids. And with my marriage as it was, I knew bringing children into it was not a good idea. But almost every woman goes through a period where she really wants them or at least thinks about it hard. I knew the best time would have been before I turned 30 to start a family if that’s what I was going to choose to do. I’m still thankful that I chose not to go that route. If I had children, I would have taken care of them and loved them with all my heart, but seeing how things turned out, I definitely made the right decision to stick to my instincts and not have them.

I was 36 when I lost my dog, my cat, my grandmother, left my husband and moved into my own apartment for the first time. This is when I truly felt I began to live. Wow. Sounds like a country song doesn’t it? lol It was a very tumultuous time in my life but I learned a lot during that time. I miss my grandmother a lot. I miss having a dog a little. I don’t miss the ex a bit. lol

So this year? This year, I’m more optimistic about life than ever. I still plan on trying to get into better shape physically. I hope to finish losing the weight I was trying to over the last year. I am trying new things and exploring options and I feel like my future is bright. I am happier than I can remember ever being and while everything isn’t perfect, I certainly can say I’m on the upswing. And yes, I’m two years from being 40. 😉

Funny, one of my favorite songs came to mind as I was reading this to edit it. Maybe if you are a Five For Fighting fan, you already know it. If you want to check it out, here ya go: 100 Years

If you’d like to share a memory from one of your birthdays, I would love to hear about it! Just message me or drop me a note here.

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Updates on Relationships and Weight Loss

So I thought I would take today to simply catch you up on a couple of things. First, I will update you on my relationship(s) with my two boyfriends. If this doesn’t interest you, just drop down to the next section. So West-Coaster took another job where he is as he couldn’t find anything here near me that would pay what he wanted. That means that our “relationship” will stay long-distance and I’m not really ok with that. I can’t move there and honestly, I don’t want to. He says that his long-term goal is still to move somewhere on this side of the country but who knows when or if that will ever work out. While we will still chat, text and visit with each other, the future of our relationship has shifted significantly to the more friends zone instead of anything more.

It took me a bit to get over that and to be open with you, I admit to feeling like I was just not enough to him for him to keep looking or accept a lower salary. Now he works a job that has him working 60+ hours a week and with the time difference, we barely text during the week anymore. We want different things out of life and have different priorities and that’s fine. He wants to make a good amount so that he can save to possibly be able to retire significantly early. I want to enjoy life while being content with having what I need and saving at a reasonable rate for the future. If that means retiring at 65, then I’m ok with that. He wants kids and I’ve decided that children aren’t for me. I love kids but I really don’t want any of my own. Many times, it’s not about one person being right or wrong in a relationship. Sometimes it’s just that you are both too different or want too different a life for things to work out.

However, things with “Native” are so awesome that I can’t tell you in words. I am absolutely head-over-heels in love with him and we can talk about anything and everything. We’re in the same line of work and while that has never been something I looked for in a relationship, it’s awesome to be able to ‘talk shop’ at the end of the day. (Don’t worry! HIPPA/privacy stays completely in tact! lol) He’s got a great heart and he treats me like a queen. I don’t think I could possibly be happier. Our future looks bright and we’re talking about serious commitment in the future being a possibility.

As for my weight loss program/routine, I admit that I seem to have stalled. It was supposed to be temporary but I haven’t been able to get motivated to try as hard again. I have not gained anything back so that is a relief. But I also haven’t lost any more.

I have a plan, however, to start with adding more exercise into my routine. This weekend is the time change where we fall back an hour and I plan on using this to get my butt out of bed earlier (as it will feel like the same time) and walk either outside or on the treadmill for half an hour Monday thru Thursday. I’m not sure about Friday as I have to get up earlier for a different work shift anyways. I hope this will get me pumped about working on my eating habits again and going back to being a bit more strict. If not, at least I will get in better physical shape.

So there you have it! An update on what’s happening with my relationships with the men in my life and also with food! lol On a side note, my birthday is next Wednesday. I plan on trying to do at least a short post on how it went. Don’t have anything exciting planned but who knows! 😀

Thinking Seriously of Trying Something New

As I have shared in previous posts, including the introductory post, I work in the medical field. I have for the past 13 years. I really love my job but after so long, it’s not quite as…fresh as it used to be. So I’ve been talking to a career counselor and thinking about my life and where I want to see myself going in the next 5, 10, 15…even 30 years.

One of the ideas I’m exploring is more of a hobby idea and possibly secondary income instead of a total change of careers. I have never had a fear of speaking up in front of a group. I inherited that from my father…good, bad or ugly. I’m thinking of trying out stand-up comedy. I love to make people laugh and I’m usually pretty good at it without trying too hard. I would love to try it for real and see how it goes.

I’ve heard for years that the fear of public speaking is the number one fear of most people. While I can see being a bit intimated by it, and I certainly don’t want to embarrass the hell out of myself or fall flat on my face, but I find that most people will be at least polite if the setting is right and you don’t truly insult them. And I can take just about anything if it’s only temporary.

I taught students part time for my medical job for a few years and while they had to pay attention, I tried to keep it lively and entertaining as well and quite a few thought I could be quite funny! Either that or they just wanted to butter me up to get a better grade. I choose to believe the former. 😀 And so the idea of doing stand-up comedy has floated in and out of my brain for a few years and used to be my joke that if I wasn’t teaching then I would have to try that.

So why wouldn’t I want to try to make this my career? Well, I’m personally not super keen on traveling all over the country trying to ‘make the big leagues’. I would be happy performing at local establishments or maybe having a regular booking a couple of places or something like that. Besides, being from the South…I’m not entirely sure my jokes and sense of humor would carry over to all parts of the country or world. Not being a regular traveler, I honestly have no idea.

To try to really take it seriously (pun intended), I plan on going to several open mic nights at different places and checking it out. I certainly have pretty good ideas about material to write but I want to see the types of places, the length of time allowed most places, the other people courageous enough to be out there trying this, and really hone my own style. Then I will write down my outline, or as I call it “my flow of ideas”, and practice, practice, PRACTICE!

Will I be nervous? Oh, you’d better believe it! But I don’t want fear to stop me from living! I want to put myself out there and take chances. Not the kind that are likely to kill you but definitely trying things that are outside of my normal comfort zone. That’s what life should be about! Living!

So what about you? Is there something out there that you’ve always wanted to try? Something that maybe you would love to put yourself out there for? Even if it’s only one time? I would love to hear about it! Maybe we could encourage each other!

Rethinking/Revamping the Blog

I started writing this blog in an attempt to organize my life into writing. I got discouraged because I didn’t hear from many people, and I haven’t really had a huge direction of where to go with this blog. I admit that I thought about giving it up. However, a…mentor or coach, for lack of better labels, encouraged me to rethink this blog. Even if no one else reads it, I do want some to know that it’s out there. I want people to see that I’m a flawed human being like everyone else. And maybe, someday, others won’t be scared to come out and share with me.

That said, I do plan on having more purpose to this blog. I want to share my struggles with everyday life, my own insecurities and dealing with the (in the words of the band “Stealers Wheel”) “clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right” in this world around me. Because I want to inspire more connection with people. Maybe the entries I write won’t appeal to you. That’s okay. Maybe we can find some common ground, even if it’s a funny joke or story. Maybe it’s just that we both like ice cream! Either way, I want to connect with you people out there and I figure (yes, that’s a Southernism as far as I can tell) that I have to start with being vulnerable and out there myself. Give a little to earn a little right?

So I will be around. I will be writing at least, hopefully, once a week. I would love to hear that you are out there reading it too. Tell me what you want to read about or maybe you have a question or just want a sounding board about a topic. Maybe you need a Southern interpretation or opinion or just a different perspective. I’m here. Dang. Now I feel like Frasier Crane. “I’m listening.” lol

Have a great night everyone!

Celebrating the Close of a Long Chapter

Ok so I left my husband in May of 2015 and hadn’t gone back to that house except to move some things when I got an apartment in July and to drop something off. Both of those times were within the first couple of months after I left. We finally had it out and he bullied and dared me into filing for divorce in May of 2016. It was final in September and in the divorce agreement, he had agreed to buy me out of the marital home, and I would no longer be responsible for any money going towards that house. He was supposed to buy me out by the end of the year (2016).

Well he had a couple of health issues, and I am not an unfeeling person so I made some payments to help him out until the time he said he would not only be able to take over all expenses with the house but get me the money to buy me out. One thing I will say for my ex is he is a very smooth talker…a born salesman. He will make you believe just about anything and feel sorry for him with the best sob stories. But it’s all BS and eventually people figure that out. When I called him on his bluff and told him I wanted the house to sell as he hadn’t been able to buy me out (as was the agreement in writing), he first tried asking for more time (which I wouldn’t agree to), then he started to threaten me and get nasty. I wasn’t going to throw him out of his house! (Ironic since when he wanted money from me it was “our house”.)

I had been nothing but reasonable. I think helping him out with payments about 9 months after I was supposed to was more than generous, but as long as we owned the house I was still tethered to him and that wasn’t the arrangement we had agreed to. I pointed all of this out in an email and said that technically, if I pushed and wanted to be nasty back, I could ask the court to force him to reimburse me for what money I had put in since the divorce. That’s when he hit the roof and decided to try to bully me more. I was ‘trying to destroy his life’ and ‘stealing’ from him. I was not going to get any more money out of him. I was not going to force him out of his home. I would get my money when he had it and not before!

So I hired a lawyer. I had let him sweet-talk, bully, threaten, override, walk-over, and push me around all of our married life and he was still trying to do it. No more. I was not going to be pushed around anymore, and I was going to force him to give me what he promised just once in the time that I had known him. I called his bluff and, even though my lawyer informed me that I had the right to ask for more if I wanted it, I kept my demands to what we had agreed to and to be reimbursed for the money I had put in after the divorce. I would have let that go without resentment or anger if he had simply been reasonable and done as we agreed.

Well the end result is that yesterday the house sold, my half of the money plus what I had put into that house since the divorce is being wired to me today and I am finally free. We had no kids thankfully, so I have no reason anymore to fear him, talk to him, take his calls or emails. I’m closing the book on a very painful and long section of my life and it’s looking nothing but up! I feel lighter…a weight has been lifted and so much of my stress is gone. While I’m not rich by any means, I have a little nest egg for emergencies and to invest for retirement or what-have-you. I admit that I’m honestly thinking of taking a nice vacation as well. I’m happy and feel like I could fly.

Too Many Stressors at Once!

I know that everyone has stress in their life. I usually handle it pretty well but lately, I’ve been hit with a lot of huge stressful situations at one time. One of the only grandparents I have left is in the hospital and from what I’m hearing, it sounds like they are giving up on life and probably won’t be with us much longer. I am going to have to move soon because the house that I currently live in is going on the market. I rent at the moment. Also, still dealing with the ex-husband over money he owes and the house we owned, and that has a contract on it, underwent an inspection and appraisal this week. I’m supposed to get my half of the equity when it sells and then I can finally be done with the ex-husband forever if I can help it.

I could deal with any one of those separately and I could even handle two but all of them?! I’m really starting to feel it. Now while the ex and the house situation is looking like it will resolve itself soon, I am so afraid something will mess it up and I’ll have to keep dealing with the ex-husband for months to come.

As for my grandparent, they have had Alzheimer’s for a long time and I’m torn, even having been in the medical field for over a decade, between hoping they get better and get to go home and hoping they will go peacefully there in the hospital. I don’t want them to suffer any more and I know that their home isn’t really the best place for them at this stage of their illness. The guilt over which way to feel is an added stress.

Moving, for any reason good or bad and for any distance long or short, is always a pain in the @$$ because no matter how close or far the new place is, everything has to go with you! I just moved about 6 months ago and here I go having to move again. I’m good at packing and I like to do stuff like that myself but it does feel a little overwhelming right now with everything I have to do.

So why am I writing about all this here? Well for one thing, it is somewhat therapeutic to get it all out. But also because I think overall I might be handling it pretty good considering. Everything in my life that I go through makes me stronger and I see it. Do I believe that ‘everything happens for a reason’. No I don’t. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes it’s life. Sometimes it’s other people causing us issues because of their decisions or actions. I am actually able to sleep and go to work and while it is messing with my WW goals at the moment, I’m not doing as bad as I have in the past when faced with majorly stressful situations. And I’m definitely going to give myself credit for that. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude instead of a ‘woe is me’ one. I’m trying to remember that stuff happens. I’m trying to take deep breaths and a couple of minutes of quiet when I can to center myself and find peace before dealing with the next hurdle. Because I know I can.

Facebook Relationship Status

Ok so in a couple of my previous posts I have mentioned that I am divorced. I have also alluded to my boyfriends…as in plural. So what does my Facebook relationship status say? lol “It’s complicated”. Perhaps now would be a good time to mention that this is sort of a ‘not for younger readers’ post. I’m not going to get explicit but some of you parents out there might not want to have to try to explain things like this just yet. Maybe a “PG-13” type rating would apply here.

So quick refresher on my personal background. I come from an extremely conservative family and I married someone in my very strict church who turned out to be a real narcissistic a-hole, divorced him and now I’m not living according to the way I was brought up and chose a different path for my life.

So what path are we talking about here? Well, I guess you could say I started exploring myself in all ways when I left my ex, including how I feel about relationships and all aspects of them. Also, I have 2, count them 2, boyfriends and yes they both know about each other! lol And while maybe they aren’t ecstatic over the fact that they share me, they are ok with it, and neither of them are of the same religion as I was raised. This is very frowned upon and my father would be extremely harsh and judgmental. My mother would be hurt and disappointed. However, both know they are special to me and the future is a little bit muddy right now. Without giving their names away and exposing anything, we shall call them “West-Coaster” and “Native”. Take that as you will and I will talk more about them in the future.

For now, it’s enough to say that I actually started out dating West-Coaster online and we hit it off as just flirting and then he told me that he is very much a believer in polyamory. He had a girlfriend when we met and even though she’s no longer around, he was just as sweet and attentive to me as he was to her and I started thinking…well, maybe it is possible. I can’t say that polyamory is for me but for now, I’ll just say that my view of it has changed a good bit. I believe it’s absolutely possible to care for more than one person at a time and care about them both just as strongly, even if differently. Not everyone is cut out for it and I’m not talking about someone who just can’t control their sexual urges when faced with the next potential partner. I’m talking about real, true, deep feelings.

So have I rambled enough to whet your appetite? Let me know what you’re thinking…what you want to hear about, know about, questions, concerns, comments, suggestions…well you get the picture. lol In the meantime, have an awesome Friday!