Facebook Relationship Status

Ok so in a couple of my previous posts I have mentioned that I am divorced. I have also alluded to my boyfriends…as in plural. So what does my Facebook relationship status say? lol “It’s complicated”. Perhaps now would be a good time to mention that this is sort of a ‘not for younger readers’ post. I’m not going to get explicit but some of you parents out there might not want to have to try to explain things like this just yet.

Perhaps I should start with a few terms that you might have heard before: polyamory, dominant and submissive, bi-curious…yeah I think that might cover it. So quick refresher on my personal background. I come from an extremely conservative family and I married someone in my very strict church who turned out to be a real narcissistic a-hole, divorced him and now I’m not living according to the way I was brought up and chose a different path for my life.

So what path are we talking about here? Well, I guess you could say I started exploring myself in all ways when I left my ex and that includes in a sexual nature. I’ve always had a little attraction to a woman here or there but never acted on it. I will admit to having wondered what it might be like to be with someone who understands how my body works more closely than the guys out there. I’ve never acted on it and who knows if I ever will. However, I’m not closed off to the possibility so therefore, I suppose you could call me “bi-curious”. In any case, even if I never end up exploring that side of myself, I will always be able to appreciate the beauty of the female form and certain females especially.

So on to polyamory… I have 2, count them 2, boyfriends and yes they both know about each other! lol And while maybe they aren’t ecstatic over the fact that they share me, they are ok with it and we are actually working towards, possibly, all living together at some point in the future. Whether or not that works out remains to be seen and is a topic for another day. BUT! Both know they are special to me and the other is special to me as well. Without giving their names away and exposing anything, we shall call them “West-Coaster” and “Native”. Take that as you will and I will talk more about them in the future.

For now, it’s enough to say that I actually started out dating West-Coaster online and we hit it off as just flirting and then he told me that he is very much a believer in polyamory. He had a girlfriend when we met and even though she’s no longer around, he was just as sweet and attentive to me as he was to her and I started thinking…well, maybe it is possible. I will be happy to talk about how that evolved more in the future and will but for now, I’ll just say that my view of polyamory has changed a good bit. I believe it’s absolutely possible to care for more than one person at a time and care about them both just as strongly, even if differently. Not everyone is cut out for it and I’m not talking about someone who just can’t control their sexual urges when faced with the next potential partner. I’m talking about real, true, deep feelings. I love both my guys and they know it.

Now for the last term…dom/sub. I have indeed a dom/sub relationship with one of my boyfriends. I am West-Coaster’s sub in matters involving the bedroom and usually when we’re flirting. I never really saw myself in such a position but I find I quite enjoy the change. I play at being more dominant with Native but for the most part that’s just on occasion and want to change things up a bit. So what does that mean? I divorced my ex because he was an arrogant, selfish dude and then I turn around and put myself as a sub and let a guy dominate me? Well sorta. I can say that it’s NOTHING like 50 Shades of Gray so don’t ask. lol I will go into more details in the future (not graphic details but a little more explanation of how the relationship works) but it’s nice to be able to say that I have two guys who love me and want to take care of me, in multiple ways. I’m happy that I’m accepted as a flawed human being who is still a work-in-progress and still exploring who she is.

So have I rambled enough to whet your appetite? Let me know what you’re thinking…what you want to hear about, know about, questions, concerns, comments, suggestions…well you get the picture. lol In the meantime, have an awesome Friday!

My Weight Loss &/or Yours

(I plan on posting more than once today so if this doesn’t interest you, maybe the other post will.)

So I joined Weight Watchers almost 4 months ago and I’m down a total of 21 pounds as of yesterday. I’ve still got about 30~ pounds to go to goal weight but I’m excited about the journey. Except that I am part of their online only plan and I keep having little irritating problems with their app and website. When you’re only doing the plan online, you kinda want these things to work! lol

Anyways, enough of the technical issues. Let’s talk about weight loss and setting goals, etc. One of the things that irks me about doing any kind of weight loss plan is that someone is always telling you that you’re doing it wrong…even when you’re seeing results. :/ The thing is, everyone is different! What works for you might not exactly work for me. And just because you think I should be doing more or trying harder, back off. I’m doing something and it’s working for me! Maybe not as fast or as well as for other people but I’m happy that I’m making changes that I know for sure I can sustain more long term than other people can. You wanna drink your food from now on, I suppose that’s your choice but I love food! I love different textures and tastes and I don’t want to live on smoothies the rest of my life. You want to cut out all carbs? Good luck! Not for me. I think we need grains and carbs for a balanced diet. I don’t mind if you want to share what works for you. But don’t do it in a way that you are judging me.

The other issue I have with people on weight loss plans is their goals. I won’t tell you that your goal isn’t important or a good one because that’s very personal. But if you’re trying to lose weight just to wear a smaller wedding dress or get into that bikini for the summer, what happens when the wedding is over? Or summer turns to winter and you’re wearing sweaters? Yo-yo dieting is definitely not healthy. So if those are your short-term goals, awesome! Something to work for! But make your long-term goals more personal and about taking care of yourself for life!

And if you have setbacks in ounces on the scale or even a pound or two, don’t act like it’s the end of the world! Our bodies are in a constant state of flux. It’s constantly trying to keep a balance inside and fighting the environment around us. So that might just be a bit of water retention because it’s a little warmer outside. Or maybe you’re PMS’ing or whatever. But if in general you are staying active and healthy, that’s what counts! Try to remember the big picture.

When I joined Weight Watchers, I had a goal weight in mind but I didn’t have a lot of ‘definites’ or unrealistic expectations or goals. I knew that if I was gong to make these changes permanent, then making them slowly might be ok. And little diversions from my regiment are ok once in a while. I don’t say things like, “I’m going to run 5 miles every day!” when I know I started out as a couch potato. If I had done that, I would have quickly quit and given up. Instead, I have increased my steps, taken longer routes, added walks here or there, added a few lunges or push-ups every time I go to the bathroom…stuff like that. Little things that I can change. I also take a day once in a while and do nothing but sit around the house. I will never be one of those people who gets up at 5 am every morning and runs 10 miles. Not my idea of fun at all! But I can see getting up a little earlier and doing yoga before work maybe, of putting my tunes on and getting up and dancing to a song now and then instead of just bobbing my head along.

So my only short term goals right now? Memorial Day weekend, I’d like to be under 180. As I am currently at 184.2, I’m pretty sure I can make that. If I’m off a bit and don’t quite make it, I’m not going to huff and give up. I’ll be a tad disappointed but I’ll keep going. My other milestone/goal? By the end of September to be under and staying under 170. That’s totally doable if I keep up the pace I’ve set so far or even do better.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m always open to tips and suggestions, stories of how everyone is trying to get healthier. But I know what I will do long-term and what I will do only while I’m trying to meet my ultimate weight and fit goal. I’m ok with both as long as I can see the difference. I’m on this journey for me. Everyone and everything else is a necessary secondary.

Change is a Part of Living

So this might seem a weird subject but I wanted to address the subject of change. Humans, in general, seem to hate change. We resist it and avoid it, make excuses and even sometimes flat out refuse to go along with it. I’ve heard people say things like they can’t change their circumstances, their physical issues, their financial status, their marriage, their job, the chronic illness they are fighting…and the list goes on and on. One of my favorite excuses is that the person is too old to learn something new now.

Here’s the problem: Life has to change! We have to adapt and grow to keep on living. No one can stop change. It’s all around us! Technology changes, the environment changes, the weather, seasons, buildings, people…everything changes! And you have to be ready to roll with the punches or you’ll get run over! Make changes yourself or adapt or you will no longer be ‘living’ but just existing. Does that mean we have to like or enjoy every change? Nope and lots of times you won’t. lol But the truth is, so much is out of our control that we have to concentrate on what is in our control.

So if you can’t change something that’s changing or that’s out of your control (like that chronic illness or financial circumstances) what can you do or change? Your attitude! Maybe a more positive attitude and acceptance is what you have control over changing! Maybe if you are aware of the situation and looking for ways to make the changes possibly down the road, it will keep hope alive for you and yourself moving forward!

Let me give you an example. I was in a pretty bad marriage. I didn’t feel that my ex cared whether I was around or not, we did virtually nothing together. I worked 2 jobs to support us and he spent money like crazy and kept our debt growing. I was taking care of family that lived close by and I felt so horribly stuck. Stuck taking care of family when I was exhausted with no support. Stuck in a marriage that I was terribly unhappy in. Stuck working myself into the ground not only at my secular jobs but in keeping the house clean and tidy since he wouldn’t help with that either. I drove over an hour to both jobs and I was a miserable person. I tried changing my attitude first. Maybe if I tried to be more positive and asked for help more I would get it or at least be happier. Nope. Didn’t get the help I asked for (in fact I was berated for asking and told to quit “bitching” all the time), and the positive attitude only kept me going so far. It helped but hard to combat the negativity coming at you from all directions when you’re exhausted.

So I tried talking to my spiritual support, my family, friends. None of them could really help me and I knew that. I wasn’t looking for them to change things for me, just to counteract the gaslighting that my ex was doing to me. (For those who don’t know, gaslighting is when someone makes someone else think there’s something wrong with them or their thinking…that they’re crazy, etc. Look it up if you haven’t heard of it. It’ll blow your mind.) They were supportive in the best way they could be. But finally, one day, I realized that I was heading towards one of two endings here. I had to leave the situation either on my feet or in a body bag. Yes, I seriously contemplated suicide for a few seconds here or there. Never attempted it and dismissed it quickly but I needed to do something.

So I told my ex husband I was leaving. I had had enough and I was tired of trying to change things on my own and him working against me. It was hard. I had married young and had never been on my own before. But I left and I never once cried about it or looked back. Did I immediately divorce him? No. I still held a small glimmer of hope that he might come to his senses and realize that I was serious. But finally, after many months of taking care of myself and growing as a person, I realized that there was never any going back.

Was it scary? Absolutely! I had been married for over 15 years! I had no place of my own and couldn’t really afford one at first. But it was the best decision I think I’ve ever made. I’ve grown tremendously. I have been able to make changes, big and small, that have allowed me to be a happier human being and healthier too. I’m truly happy now and I continue to make changes that are in not only my best interests but in the interests of all those I care about and am around. I have hope and can see a future where I don’t feel trapped anymore.

So embrace change. Find ways to adapt or make your own changes, even if it’s just in your attitude! I hate getting up early in the mornings but I embrace that as part of my new job that allows me to take care of myself and spend time with my bf’s who are also on day jobs. If you need help in creating new pathways in your life or even just your brain, share your story with me! Let’s see if we can figure out something, anything that might help give you some hope and at least a smile for today.